The first child is the sea of firsts – new experiences, magic and hard work. Things get a lot more complicated when you add another child to the mix – not only for you as a parent, but for the first child. Here are a few issues you will encounter when your child gets siblings and a few tips on how to cope with these situations.
How to Tell the Older Child
You should prepare the older child for the new arrival in advance. It doesn’t have to be early, but keeping him in the loop will eventually make him more comfortable with the idea of sharing parents and possessions. The authors of “Pregnancy for Dummies” suggest waiting until you are in the second or third trimester to explain pregnancy to your toddler (it could be as early as you like for a child 4 years or older). It makes sense to start any sort of explaining when you are actually showing; this will make it easier for your child to grasp the concept of the new baby. There are many books on the subject, so start reading once you are ready to explain the concept. Kids this age are like sponges and reading will help them accommodate the idea. Have your older child help you shop for new baby’s clothes or other items, but don’t forget to get something new for him – try getting fair as early as you can, it will be good practice. Once the baby arrives, have someone bring your older child to the hospital to visit and make it special – a big brother/sister shirt, new toy for each, pictures together, holding baby, etc.
Regression
No matter how well you explain the pregnancy or prepare your older child for the new arrival, there is bound to be some regression. This is exactly why you should not attempt any new routines now. If you haven’t started potty-training, now is not the time, hold off until the newborn is a bit older and more accepted by the older one. Be prepared for the potty-trained child to regress to accidents and diapers – just handle it in a calm way and know this is only temporary and will pass as soon as he is comfortable with the new situation. The same goes for the transition to a toddler bed. It is a treacherous concept to switch the toddler from crib to toddler bed once the little one arrives. You should either do this transition earlier (a month or two in advance) or use a bassinet for the newborn and move the toddler to the big kid bed a few months later.
Lack of Attention
Your older child is likely used to having you all to himself and once the new brother or sister arrives this will no longer be the case. You can start preparing early by swapping duties with your husband or partner, to avoid the “I want Mommy” cries. It is helpful to get some books on being a big brother or sister, so your child is proud of his new status in the family. Show him his old baby albums and possessions, so he understands he was a little baby once too. Don’t deny him the opportunity to act as a baby (perhaps even regressing to a bottle), the more accepting you are, the sooner this phase will pass. Once the new sibling arrives, don’t expect the older one to understand that you need to spend time with him too, make time for both and make this time special. Go to a park together, just the two of you, or have a story hour – any time spent one-on-one will be a more valued possession now. The time spent together is especially important in the first month of newborn’s being home when the feedings are more frequent and you inadvertently spend more time with the little baby.
If breastfeeding, express extra milk for your partner or grandparents to feed the baby while you play or read to the older one. Your family can also pitch in spending time with the toddler/older child, taking him to the zoo, park, on play dates. If you are a single mom and/or have no family in the area, find a community, such as mom’s groups to join – you can share stories with other moms and have the kids play together. You can find a mom’s group at the library, local YMCA, or through a site like meetup.com.
Possessions
There comes a time when toddlers are much more aware of their possessions, this is when mine becomes one of the most popular words. While this usually starts around age 2-2.5, no matter the time, it’s a hard issue to avoid. As a frugal parent, you may want to reuse a lot of the older child’s possessions. To eliminate confrontation, try to encourage sharing and playing together, get individual toys that belong only to one or the other, and reinforce cleanup. Remember that each concept, such as sharing, needs to be repeated multiple times until the toddler decides to accept it and for a child under 3 it is a tough concept to accept. Authors of “Caring for Your Baby and Young Child” recommend separating the toys of older children from baby toys, since older toys often contain small pieces that could be swallowed.
New Competition
Rivalry is not something you can avoid, better be prepared. However, you can control how much it grows and how the children are able to cope with it. “What to Expect: Toddler Years” explains that it’s natural for sibling rivalry to occur, since it’s a competitive situation – both kids are competing for parents’ attention. What you can do to alleviate this is spend time with each child, be fair on rules – equal rules for all and stay patient. You can and should encourage them playing together and offer opportunities where they will be more likely to share and play together vs. compete. Note that healthy competition is not bad and may be a good lesson for the future. Don’t rush to stop every conflict but stop it if it gets dangerous. As a parent, you hear so many No’s from other moms and yourself, so try to appreciate the good in your kids as well and mention it to them. One way to pacify rivalry between siblings is getting the older child involved with helping you care for the new baby – reading books, showing how to stack blocks, rolling the ball, etc. You can teach them how to be wonderful playmates. Just make sure you don’t leave a child under 10 years old alone with the baby, for safety reasons.
Schedule
If you already have a toddler or an older child, they are likely to be on a set schedule of breakfast, play, lunch, nap, play, dinner and sleep. Get ready for this routine to be disrupted. Your newborn will sleep every 2-3 hours at first and the first four months will really be more a continuous round of sleep, eat and play without either any variety or complete predictability to it. So there is little you can do to ensure steady routine in the first 3-4 months, but parents can split duties in the beginning. Once your littlest one is ready for a schedule, you can do the night ritual together for both kids. They can be in the bath together – the older one playing with toys independently and the smaller one can be in a smaller tub you can place in the bathtub. Always keep your hand on the baby who is not able to stay sturdy yet. It may be easier to get help or have the older child help while you bathe the little one first. The same goes for pajamas/swaddler and any massage afterwards. A shared activity for sure can be milk and reading/snuggling before bedtime. Different things work for different families, so experiment until you get it right. Doing things simultaneously may be easier on you, since you can have time to relax afterwards, but if it is too much of an effort, working in shifts may make the process easier. Age difference and age of each child will play a huge role in how quickly you can get a simultaneous routine going. An older sibling can do more things independently and once your little one is 6 months or older, things will start normalizing, as will likely be your sleep. So as with any child venture, try and try again until you succeed.
Additional Activities
Despite your now potentially busier life, a newborn in the family may signal the time to add activities for your older child. If you don’t already have him in daycare, consider trying a pre-school that will be open for him at the age he is. Some preschools allow toddlers as young as 2.5, but it will usually be for a few hours a day only a few times a week. This will be an opportunity for your older child to play with new kids and feel more independent and the chance for you to spend more time with the baby. If possible, you can also enroll him in a fun class, such as art or language or ice-skating, but have your husband/grandparent/babysitter take him there. But time doesn’t always have to be spent apart. You can find plenty of activities for the three of you to enjoy together, as simple as spending time at a playground. Investing in a baby carrier or sling would be a handy way to easily monitor both babies.
One final piece of advice: whatever you do as a parent of two or more, remember to set aside time for yourself to recharge, get rest and get ready for another day of adventure.
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