Why you hear “I Hate You” from your child and what you can do about it

How many parents have heard “I hate you” at least once? If you never have, consider yourself lucky and wise. If you did, don’t despair, there is an explanation and there are solutions. I turned to Dr. Thomas Phelan, Ph.D, author of “1-2-3 magic”. This book, now in its 4th edition is a treasure of information on kids’ behavior and effective discipline solutions. Interviewing Dr. Phelan helped me understand this negative behavior and find ways to address it.

Quick Answer

If you want the quick answer, I’ll point you straight to Chapter 10 in “1-2-3 magic”. It deals with testing and manipulation, and kids saying “I hate you” is one example of that. “In most cases, the child does not mean it when he says “I hate you” and the way you react will lead to the solution”, says Dr. Phelan. Let’s dig a little deeper.
We often frustrate our kids by either asking them to do something they don’t want or ask them to stop doing something they like. They often react with some form of testing and manipulation and hopefully after you read this article, you’ll have a handle on at least one of them.

How common are “I Hate you’s”?

This is one of the more common parental problems, basically a temper tantrum and who hasn’t heard or seen that one? Dr. Phelan and his team now successfully host webinars on the subject of tantrums, since so many parents need help on that. If you hear this seemingly terrible phrase from preschoolers, it’s nothing too upsetting. However, the older they get, it may become a different behavior pattern. Dr. Phelan says the “worst one I’ve heard from moms is that the kid will say “I hate you, I’m going to kill you”. Depending on the age of the child this should be taken more seriously – it’s more dangerous the older they are.

Why do Kids say it?

Chapter 10 of “1-2-3 Magic” refers to 6 kinds of testing and manipulation that kids use on their parents and “I hate you” is testing type #2 which is temper tantrum or intimidation. “The kids say it because they are frustrated the parent didn’t give them something that they wanted (can’t do some activity or thing) or the parent is asking the child to do something they don’t want to do. So it’s kind of like a mini temper tantrum.”, explains Dr. Phelan.
If the child is saying it a lot, that means the parent is probably reinforcing it accidentally [by their reaction] and they need to look at their strategy for managing the kid. “When kids see a reaction from their parents, they know that saying “I Hate you” is working. The 2 motives for testing are: 1st – Kids test and manipulate to get their way and if it doesn’t work they can still use the same tactic for the 2nd motive which is revenge.”

“Revenge is a real thing”, says Dr. Phelan, who has talked to many moms and dads who don’t like to think of their kids wanting revenge. “But it’s a normal human emotion. If the kid can see that they are getting you really upset because you start lecturing them or you scream at them, then they know they’ve got revenge and they’ll have a tendency to repeat that tactic in the future.” So if you see a repeating pattern, look at how you are reacting to this kind of tantrum.

How do you know they’ve crossed the line

Dr. Phelan told me a story of a mom whose 4-year old did say “I’m going to kill you” and this mom got so scared thinking her 4-year old was really a murderer. This mom went into her kitchen and got a butcher knife. She went back in and knelt in front of the little boy and she handed him the knife. She was going to test and see if he was going to try to kill her – she was so upset. The little boy took the knife from her and he raised it up over his head and then he started crying and his mother started crying. This “experiment” has backfired on her. She was frightened and had to see Dr. Phelan for help. If she would have just taken it as testing and manipulation, getting the knife would’ve never happened.
Chances are with testing & manipulation is that if the child repeats the tactic a lot, that means the tactic is working. Working means either the child gets their way or they get effective revenge. If the kid starts hitting you, then it’s a physical problem, so you have to deal with that.
How do you know if a threat like “I’m going to kill myself” is serious? Dr. Phelan says you have to ask yourself 2 questions:
1 – Did I just frustrate this child? If the answer is yes, then it’s one point for testing and manipulation – recent frustration.
2 – What’s the kids’ life like? Does he normally look in good spirits? Doing OK in school? Does he have friends? Does he get along with the family? If the answer is they lead a reasonably happy life, it’s another point for testing & manipulation and you don’t have to take it seriously.
When you do have to take it seriously is if you put the child to bed and then an hour later your 9-year old daughter comes down on the couch next to you and she says “Mom, I don’t feel like living anymore.” There’s no recent frustration but that’s more of a danger sign and that’s something you should check out.

What’s the best response? How do you deal with it?

“In handling it the very first thing a parent needs to do is to not take it at face value and to see it simply as manipulation”, says Dr. Phelan, “That’s more than half the battle. I think when parents get really upset is when they take it seriously.”

Parents have to not get frazzled by it. “it’s not a rational statement, it’s a statement of frustration. The child might have said “I can scream or I’m so mad I could hit you. But it’s meaningless – little 4-year old doesn’t mean it – usually they love their parents but they are so frustrated right then that’s what comes out of their mouth.”

First of all, when the child says “I Hate you”, you’re not going to give them their way. And second, you can either count it (1-2-3 magic principle) or ignore it. “My inclination would be to ignore it and if the kid presses the issue, either by screaming or hitting, then it could be an automatic time-out or could be a count.”, advises Dr. Phelan.

Other ways of Testing & Manipulation

Dr. Phelan identified 6 ways of testing and manipulation in the “1-2-3 Magic” and I bet you will all be familiar with most if not all of them:
1 – Badgering – “why, why, why” or “please, please, please” or “mom, mom, mom”
2 – Temper tantrum/intimidation – “I hate you”
3 – Threat: “I’m not going to love you anymore” or “I’m going to run away from home” or “I’m not going to bed, I’ll just lay there with my eyes open” or “I’m going to kill myself”
4 – Martyrdom – Crying, pouting “Nobody loves me” – to produce guilt. Don’t reassure them how much you love them, don’t yield to guilt.
5 – Butter up – being nice “Do you know you’ve got the prettiest eyes” or “I’m going to go clean my room”. Something good is going to happen and parent risks losing that if they don’t give the kid what they want.
6 – Physical tactics – breaking stuff, physically attacking you, actually running away from home.
Often, kids will combine a few of these tactics if one alone is not working on you. Dr. Phelan offers an example of going from badgering and martyrdom and whining to a full-blown temper tantrum. If they are switching up the tactics, it’s one sign that you are being consistently firm which is good.

So chapter 10 from “1-2-3 magic” was obviously very helpful in resolving the problem we started with. But don’t stop after a chapter that helps you, make sure you read about positive reinforcement and see the big picture.

One final word of advice from Dr. Phelan I’d like to leave you with is this:

“The most important thing for parents to get a handle on testing & manipulation is it’s normal, kids do it, there are six different kinds, you should memorize them, you should know your kids’ favorite tactics and how to handle them. It’s such a huge difference if you take the testing seriously – difference between what you think and what you do – then if you take it just as manipulation.”